Thursday, July 16, 2009
another one of those days when i am down with an ailment that's not serious enough to make me immobilized, but is serious enough to disrupt plans for the next few days. lol. i rmb it was shingles last time, and this time it's conjunctivitis which is potentially infectious. so i'm stuck at home, which is probably a good thing because i managed to get alot of rest, finally write some letters, do some other admin stuff, do my QT, strum the guitar till my fingers are really aching, and blog here. i shld also be thankful that nth major has happened to me despite 6 yrs of judo. haha. i've escaped with only a sprained shoulder and a left toe tt i've sprained 10 times (random trivia).
it's been kinda busy lately, although i'm really alot more slack than the other people who are really part of the unit. well. maybe it's a different kind of stress because they have high intensity stuff and then lulls, but i am doing moderate intensity stuff all the way. once i'm done helping w one group of pple i'm extracted and placed somewhere else to help with some other thing, so it feels like i have to keep going and going. it's hard to ask for leave sometimes because i feel tt i shld be there to help and i shldn't just pang seh. LOL. seriously. just give me my sunday mornings and i'll be extremely happy. so far they've been taken away from me, hopefully not this sunday, otherwise i will have been absent from church for 1 month. eee.
been learning alot and seeing alot of things. everything is new to me, so i just keep learning and absorbing. i hope this doesn't lessen the novelty of VAs for the subsequent years.
interesting seeing how people work, how people interact, and how they function under stress. makes me wonder what i'll be like in the future.
i have a feeling that i'll be a rather unconventional occifer. i keep trying to imagine what i'll be like, and how i'll deal with certain things, but i think it's beginning to do me more harm than good. sometimes it's better to just do the real thing because the uncertainty before it can kill me. it always happens.
self-awareness seems extremely important now..i need some clarity abt why i'm doing certain things. to me i'm just following where God may be leading me, but i don't think that's sth i can say to the many people who have been and who have yet to be who give me weird looks and ask me if i'm out of my mind for signing on. i need to find some answers within myself to questions relevant to 50% of the population..and i need to know what i have in my arsenal of talents and capabilities.
another friend asked me if this was my calling. i actually had the time to think about tt just now while i was having some time alone. LOL i have no idea. how wld i know when sth is my calling unless there were many indications telling me that this is the path for me to take. all i can observe is how this is dominating most of my thoughts currently. it makes me think abt what kind of leader Jesus was - a servant leader - and how i want to be just like that. it makes me think abt what's impt to me, and what i really want out of my life. it is a motivation for me to find ways to keep fit and be able to carry a load. because of it, i took a class in military history and ended up really liking it altho it cost me my 4.0 gpa. haha. because of it i want to read up more on military history, clausewitz and the history of SEA. because of it i'm thinking of joining some martial art to make myself more aggressive, or some air rifle club to improve from being a bobo shooter. because of it i keep reading up on leadership and thinking abt my actions, my character, my choices, almost everything. omg. perhaps it is a calling..just that the emotions and passions are not in place yet. perhaps i'm really the sort who 'loves the husband i marry' and the passion will come with time. i can't believe i'm actually trying to change my life just for the sake of this. lol.
nth much else to report. i'm thankful that things are going well so far, tt i've had the chance to meet so many different people and make so many new friends.
on another related note, i'm trying to find the balance between depending on God for confidence and being too dependent on my own strength. i think i've been guilty of the latter for too long and i've learnt painfully not to do that, but now i think i've swung to the other extreme of being an invertebrate. the only example i have in my life is the morning of IPPT. i'd just happened to read abt Jonathan in 1 samuel and how he has so much confidence in God tt he'd go out into the philistine camp with his armour bearer and kill so many pple. i tried to apply it to my IPPT cos i was rather unprepared for it, only being informed a few days before that i had to take it for my promotion. lol. so i thought in my mind that God had brought me where i was and He'd bring me thru sth minor like the IPPT, so with that i scraped thru my SBJ with 4 pts, and lo and behold my 2.4 timing was faster than my service term timing LMAO. got a gold HAHAHA when i didn't think i'd be able to with my lousy SBJ, which didn't use to be a problem. so. how do people find that confidence to take that STEP of faith and just GO. haiz. it's an art. the only science-y part abt it is that i can use my own life as an experiment to see if it works.
another day to myself tmr. wonder what i shall do :)
kat sang her heart out at 10:34 PM
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
day 3 of life in unit..and i'm learning qte alot. just had this really insightful chat with one of the NSFs today and i'm really quite amazed by his sense of duty and his strength and confidence.
makes me wonder abt myself. this vocation issue isn't new to me..but i think the underlying problem is more of not wanting to do sth 'wrong'. i've always sort of made myself welcome mistakes and grow from them, but i guess that philosophy hasn't sunk into every part of my life yet cos i'm here and unwilling to take such a gamble with my health.
i still have this mentality of waiting for the 'right' path. perhaps i try too hard to do what God wants me to do, tt i miss out on the lessons i cld have learnt by just exploring. perhaps i try too hard to do what's 'right'. guess i shld cut myself some slack..after all, I do think that i have made a commitment to Him, and He wldn't let me fall too badly.
i just worry abt it cos i lack the discipline and motivation to kick myself into shape. sigh. and i don't think the troubles wld end after GCC either.
yet i feel that perhaps that is what i'd like to do.
that wise friend told me that it's better to choose what i want to do and stick with it so tt i'd be able to really give my best. my style has always been to accept whatever is given to me, so i think i'd accept wherever they posted me. my attitude on the whole is that i'll go where i'm needed most, where i can make the greatest difference. but i don't know where that is yet. perhaps because i don't even know what my strengths are, and how i can use them.
perhaps someone's up there telling me to go ahead and make my choice already, and to stop being such a beansprout about it. LOL.
kat sang her heart out at 10:09 PM
Thursday, June 11, 2009
it's alw comforting knowing that there are fellow idealists/revolutionaries/non-conformists out there changing things for the better. imagine how pleasantly surprised i was when i was reading up on the stuff for the weeklong LD course, and this article by LTC Adrian Chan talked about a revolutionary way to develop leadership, using terms like cultivator/nurturer/gardener and long term investment/crop/sow HAHAHA. I think we belong on the same side. nice to know that i don't have to be sth i'm not just to survive in tt organization.
i need motivation. running bores me already. there must be an easier/fun-ner way to train myself up. zzz
i feel like just lazing at home.
kat sang her heart out at 10:23 PM
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Seems like such a long time ago when I last blogged. If I do not rmb wrongly (I can’t check cos I’m at Narita Airport @ Tokyo and guess what..they don’t have free wifi :() I was cheonging finals and packing up my stuff to put into storage. It was a horrible time because finals ended on Thursday night, and we had to evacuate from our dorms by Saturday 12pm, giving us only 1 day or so to pack everything and put into storage. I had the extra hassle of having to pack stuff for both CFW@Michigan in one luggage and Tokyo/home in another, while balancing planning for grad lunch, which was to be on Sunday morning. Omg. because of all that, I was probably one of the few people who did not really look forward to the end of finals 0.o Thankfully it all came to pass slowly..the packing which drove me up the wall went fine and I got most of my stuff in storage. I was just annoyed by all the clothes I had from auntie nimfa and decided to bring most of them home this time round. They were so useless in champaign, and I was stupid to think that I might be able to wear summer-y clothes in spring because the weather sucked anyway. Haha. Imagine it still snowing in April.
So anw, packing went well and we got our stuff settled, and I settled myself nicely in Jayce’s living room along with a houseful of girls. It was qte amazing..there were jinglin, meiling, sharon, dee, jingwei and myself in that one house. We could have had some fun together because it was the first time we had so many girls in one house, but we later found out that the video that keen was supposed to prepare as archives director for the grad lunch was undone. That seriously got me quite annoyed considering I’d told her about it one month before, knowing that people tended to procrastinate. Also I tried really hard not to nag her, and tried to trust her word when she said she’d do it. Imagine how disappointed I felt when in the middle of finals she smsed me in the morning and said that she honestly cld not complete the video because she was going travelling, and that she felt tt it wasn’t the role of the archives director to make videos. For the sake of my own blog I shan’t continue to demonstrate my discontent….but anw, jinglin and meiling woke up in the middle of the night just to do a last minute grad video. Haiz. So much for trusting people.
Speaking of finals, they went well I guess. They weren’t too difficult, except for the military history paper. I had much less time to study for this final exam than for the midterm becos I somehow had other stuff to do. I forgot just how detail-specific the mcqs were because I managed to read through most of my readings for the midterm and knew most of my stuff…this time I was rather clueless on most of the qns and guessed my way through them. I was correct on most of them, but I guess I didn’t do as well for the essay qn cos this class messed up my 4.0 GPA. HAHAHA. Not sad at all about it..maybe because when I checked my score it was right after I came back from a spiritually-rejuvenating CFW . anw, I just felt that I did my best so I was happy with what I had also, I think it’ll be a relief for me esp for the next sem. I foresee that it’s going to be tough, and I wldn’t want the extra stress of maintaining my perfect score.
CFW was just wonderful. I’d always intended to go for it when IV first starting making announcements on it. It is a week-long retreat after school ends where people get to dig deep into the word. Andrea was recommending it because it was a wonderful break after school and one could study the bible and just have deep conversations with people because the circumstances allowed one to do that, and also because there was no school work to worry about. It sounded wonderful! After CUP during spring break, I’d acquired a bit more courage to sign up for another IV event and thankfully I didn’t have much time to worry about whether I’d feel awkward or have difficulty making friends…I’d even booked my flight back one week later just to make room for that. I was just deciding between 2 different tracks, and eventually settled for the 2nd one – Live to Tell, the coolest track ever – which was about evangelism.
As promised, I was sooooo happy that I went for CFW. My cup overflowed when Dee came along too, because I’d always expected to be the only Singaporean there. I knew I wld have had Drew there and Chris and Neelan, but Dee’s presence just made it a lot easier to meet new people. It was at Timber Wolf Lake, a gorgeous campsite at Michigan. It’s less rugged than Cedar Campus and a bit artificial, but it worked fine, and the weather was GORGEOUS the whole time. We had so many things to do, like a zipline, kayaking, a game room with air hockey, pool, table tennis tables and other things, basketball/vball courts, rockwalls, lots of nice grass etcetc. Oh boy. It was a very welcoming and inclusive atmosphere, although there were some awkward moments at mealtimes at the dining hall, if I ever found myself in a strange situation where I had to find new people to sit with, but that was alright. CFW was so much fun that I don’t really know where to start!
OK here goes. A typical day starts at 8.30am where we go to the dining hall for breakfast, then we’d go for our tracks. We’d have lunch, and then free time the whole afternoon for recreation where we can do ANYTHING WE WANT at a gorgeous campsite like timber wolf lake. At 4pm, track resumes, then we’d have dinner at 6.30pm, free time, and then either track in the evening or worship/exposition, chapter time and bedtime. It was super relaxing. The first day was interesting because we had a retreat of silence, where we were to make our own bagged lunches, go off and find a spot to sit and talk to God for 3 hours (so the campsite was silent for 3 hours), and have lunch on our own. The idea was wonderful, but I had a hard time finding a nice spot to sit and pray. I walked a lot, I went into the forest and up a mini hill trying to find a nice shady spot under a sturdy tree but I cldn’t find any. In the end I plopped myself down in the forest but got annoyed by flies, so I found another spot amongst the pine trees. Had a good time praying, didn’t really have a huge Jesus-moment as Drew calls them, but it was nice to just retreat into somewhere peaceful and do that.
My track was wonderful as mentioned… My small group was such a mix of people that we called ourselves Trail Mix (the grp name had to have something to do with going on a journey). I met Fay, this guy I met last semester at a leadership event and whom I had approached on my own initiative because I’d heard that he was from Zimbabwe, and new friends like Ruth, Sarah (greek IV and very into jazz sax and music education), Cesar (just the coolest dude in my opinion considering the obstacles he had to go thru spiritually and financially to be where he was when I met him), Allie (really lovely and dedicated to evangelism at Busey-Evans) and manymany other people I’m not going to forget easily. I think we managed to get closer because we had to practice sharing our stories with each other, and there was once we had such a heated discussion during track that a group of us sat together at dinner and continued to debate all the way (we’d normally split up to find our usual grps of friends to sit with). Also, when the track ended, we were given time to just pray for each other and that was really memorable to me. Learnt a lot about God’s story as the meta-narrative and how each of our stories fit in…now I’m just praying for the courage and opportunity to put what I’ve learnt to good use.
Besides the spiritual growth, I’m also extremely thankful for the opportunity to bond with the other Champaign people. Pretty soon our little group included Drew, Neelan, Nate, Larissa, Dee, Rob, Alan and myself. Recreation time was when we bonded a lot…Dee and I would attempt to learn how to juggle from the masters – Drew and Nate – and we’d just sit in the sun laughing, braiding nate’s hair, or we’d head for the game room where I discovered the joy of playing 7-puck air hockey with alan. It was crazy at first, but the more I played, the faster my reflexes got, and pretty soon I was having a deep conversation with alan while playing with 3 pucks. HAHA. Played chess with him after a long time of not doing so, played pool, played pingpong with Nate (we were more tired picking up rebellious balls) and so on… I was also really thankful for the opportunity to get to know Drew a lot better. He’d always been the person I was closest to in IV and CFW just helped us build a stronger friendship. I’m supposed to send him a long email once I’m done too and maintain correspondence during summer…hope I’m not insensitive to friends back at UIUC was I was to those in Singapore. Worship was also memorable..there was a time when the sound system wasn’t working so we cldn’t have music and all, but we sang our own songs, and this guy who had been to Africa led us in an African song of worship..it was so spirit-driven and it felt like the lack of technology cldn’t stop a group of excited pple who wanted to worship God. The sharing session was wonderful too…a lot of the Urbana pple shared (I think that side of the school just happened to get more of the extroverted people) but the champaign pple who did share just amazed me..alan of all people went up there to share..the same alan who claimed to be horribly shy and introverted. Lols. We also had a chapter bonfire, and we all stood around the fire on the last night sharing our stories and anything we wanted to say about the experience. I didn’t have anything in particular to say (although Andrea was egging me to go say sth like she did at CUP)…I was just happy. Didn’t really have a life-changing moment myself, although there were stories of many people who hadn’t intended to go for CFW because they were going thru a rocky time in their faith, but became rejuvenated after CFW, just like I was.
My only biggest regret was that I chose to move into an apartment in Urbana with the rest of the Singaporeans. It was an utterly selfish move on my part, and the implications of doing so had nv occurred to me at all. I just wanted my own time to eat, my own food, my own space etc, but I didn’t think that doing so wld mean that I was distancing myself from non-christians. Also, it was horrible because I’d made so many new friends with the other pple at 6-pack, ESPECIALLY SNYDER, and they wld be a much closer small group and I’d have to join a new small group with the pple living in apartments, all of whom were new to me HAIZ. I’ll have to make new friends again. For a while I tried to tell myself to be comfortable with the tension and the feeling of being displaced because it’d be good for me eventually…but I felt kinda regretful when I had to face my new apartment group and turn back to see my former community/family laughing together! Drew neelan larissa nate sarah Caitlin jerry Teresa chris ros alan andrea allie eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
After talking to drew, I had this new idea in my head that may require a lot of my time next semester if I were to take it up. It is a really good idea and it’s sth I wldn’t mind doing if it means being able to reach out to more people given what talents I have and the circumstances I’m in, but there’s also the consideration of whether I’d be able to balance EVERYTHING in my life with it…school work (and I think I’m killing myself once again), IVP stuff (lots to do in the fall), helping out on the IV social team alr…my only comfort is that I’m not in it alone, I’m young-er so I can do with less sleep, and the kingdom is worth sacrificing for…but I’m not sure if it’s sth I should do. here I am once again..freaking out and being timid. Haiz. I have this feeling in my gut that I’ll eventually be doing it..jonlin encouraged me to as well…I shall continue to pray about it I guess. Hopefully I have the courage to take it on…it’ll be like playing air hockey with 7 pucks – crazy at first, but when it ends I’ll probably be bored. Haha. Haiz. Life is ironic.
So that was CFW. Here I am at Tokyo, and I have about an hour more till boarding time. Jayce, Sharon and jw managed to get an earlier flight at 11.05am, and mine is at 5.50pm, according to SAF. I’d just spent the past few hours stoning, trying to figure out the wlan, fiddling around with a wooden puzzle I got from japan and typing this. Whew. Dare I start on Tokyo? Here goes.
It was a gastronomic experience. Seems like we lived for the next meal, at least when Jayce was around. We’ve had many generous portions of soba (which I’ve come to love so much), sashimi, sushi, curry (it’s really really good!)..although Jap food was fundamentally the same everywhere, it was just fun trying out the different food, experimenting with different combinations and ways of packaging the food. (btw Turkish ice cream is really good and I hope to find it in Singapore hehheh)
The first few days were spent exploring different parts of Tokyo, visiting temples, other historical places (I really liked the yasukuni shrine and museum…felt that all that reading for my military history james scholar paper came useful cos I actually remembered most of my stuff! Woot) but it killed me. Everyone else was kinda dying after walking around so much, but I was garang and tried to take on the museum. After that everything went downhill and we all had to take an afternoon nap to rejuvenate. Speaking of naps, I really liked our accommodations. We stayed at Toukaisou Ryokan at Asakusa, and it was a family-run hostel which felt really authentically Japanese. We slept on futons, had little cushions to kneel on, tatami mats tt lined the floor etc. the next one at sakura hostel was nice in its own way because we had 2 sets of bunk beds in the room so we cld all sleep tgt, but toukaisou was really adorable. We went to the Tsukiji fish market where we witnessed tuna-auctioning, saw lots of extremely fresh seafood (clams that were still moving and breathing for example) and had a sashimi breakfast after that (really worth our money). Went to yokohama on the 2nd last day because jinglin recommended it but the weather kinda ruined it for us…and yesterday was the best day of all because we went to hakone, which was in the countryside, and it was a nice break from the hectic and congested Tokyo. Travelling took hours but the rides were worth it…jayce found this really nice package where we got to take a train up a hill, a scenic cable car ride, a boat ride, a nice walk through cedar trees, etcetc…AND WE MANAGED TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MOUNT FUJI! The weather was perfect because it wasn’t too hot and it stopped raining at appropriate times..at first we didn’t expect to see mount fuji because of the rain clouds, but just as we were abt to leave, the clouds parted and lo and behold! It was like an illusion..i cld almost imagine mystical descriptions of mount fuji, enshrouded with an air of mystery like in a fairy tale, a transient illusion that rewarded the patient and the lucky. It totally made our day. That was the japan I’d always imagined..well not completely, but it was nicer than the city. Being in the city just reminded me of those pokemon games I used to play because everything was small cute and square..sorta.
Had fun going thru the red light district as well, and trying to identify the hosts/pimps from the other businessmen. Apparently they dress really well, have funky hair, look slender, and carry around cards/tissue paper with photographs and contact numbers in case pple are interested in their services. Lol.
Kudos to jayce and Sharon who did so much of the planning and brainwork. I just tagged along and followed around partially clueless, and quarreled with jw like I always did. Haha.
Sigh. Singapore next…yet another change in setting. I hope I don’t go crazy soon with all this change. 2 weeks to meet up with as many pple as possible again, including trying to get back in shape (much less trying to get fit again omg), plan pre-dept stuff as much as I can before going in on 15 jun all the way till 21 aug. I have no idea what to expect..doesn’t sound like I’m going to get much of a rest before another challenging school term starts. Haiz. Also have little concerns like..how I’m going to fit into my no.4 and no.3. I have only 2 weeks to change my situation..and I’m wondering if I wld like to be baptized this summer with Audrey.
Is it just me or is my life zooming past my very eyes?! The prime years of my life are here omg. ur skin supposedly changes and stuff…so I will have to take care of myself and not heck like in secondary school with moisturizing and all that. The prime years beginning with the number 2, where we just undertake so many things, drive ourselves crazy and try to accomplish a lot at our optimum age. i don’t think I’ll have much difficulty retreating to solitude and peace, but anw I hope I still find time to sit, sip my green tea and enjoy nibbling my mochi like I always do. Oh and pray as well. It’d be disastrous if I forgot.
So many things to do. I just want to go home, rest, be with my family, talk to them, and live life normally once the hoohah of me returning home dies down. Haiz. I just want life to continue as usual, as if nothing has changed.
I have 50min till boarding time. Zzz.
kat sang her heart out at 10:35 PM
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.-John Mayer
I wonder if i'm entering a new phase of my faith. maybe the times when AMK pops up to talk to me on fb are like little milestones. i've just taken a step back to look at where I am, and i see related things happening to me.
i took global history last sem abt it shed light on different power relations in the world, the interconnectedness interdependence of the world, tt resulted in how some got the goodies and others got the shit. took anthropology this semester and it explored different cultural ideas, and learnt abt neo-liberalism and social justice. went for CUP and learnt about social justice as well and gained a more kingdom perspective, which was reinforced recently by this really good book i was reading for QT. so yeah i'm seeing things a bit more differently on a more macro scale..like how christianity isn't just about the salvation of souls anymore, and i agree becos i'd wonder sometimes how that in itself cld possibly motivate pple. in fact, it's about bringing God's kingdom here on earth and saving it from the broken state it's in, restoring it to what it once was. think i mentioned this in my post on earth day. haha
so i have these things happening to me, and i'm more aware of them and bigger issues, but i'm not sure what it's leading to yet. perhaps this is the 'preparatory' stage for sth bigger. i can't wait to see what may stem from this..but i'm not sure if this is a clue to my direction in life. it could potentially mean messing up whatever plans i have (and i know tt tends to happen) so i'm trying to be as open as possible, although i know deep down inside that i'm still keeping my toe on the boat with backup plans and possible routes to take in life.
think this shld have gone into my other journal to document my walk, but i did realize that my life has been becoming more integrated, and there is increasingly less reason to compartmentalize it...and i think it's sth good :)
i can't wait to see God's kingdom come. it will come, and i hope the vision of the end motivates me. we're living in this limbo where it has come partially but not completely so we only get glimpses of it, but i hope to see it the same way a hungry person smells an aroma and knows sth good is definitely coming. can't wait to see things restored, systems challenged, and be part of it. imagine how wonderful it will be! the world has so many beautiful things but they're marred by the presence of other hateful things. imagine being able to get rid of them and restore everything to what it was supposed to be like. maybe idealists do have a place after all..they're the ones who are innately aware tt there's a higher platform to look forward to, and they're not too caught up w the brokenness of this world to lose sight of it.
hm. awareness of social injustice + IVCF + psych + I/O psych + SAF + 6yrs = ?
kat sang her heart out at 1:11 AM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
by His grace I managed to get through a rather horrible monday. woke up in the morning feeling super sian after feeling unproductive the whole weekend and receiving a msg tt same morning that we'd be helping to clean up the loft that evening. it wasn't that I minded helping..I just had the idea that i'd be working the whole evening and I didn't want to have to travel out and back again. that and other things..i was tempted to ask someone to drive me to the cornfields after school for me to scream. hahaha. i was hoping that it wld release some of the tension in my head and get me angry enough to start working furiously on my paper. i was just kind of numb after having a long list of stuff to do in my head for the past few weeks. funny how i cope with stuff now..perhaps i have changed from jc.
in the end, i did go to the loft to help clean up and we were done pretty quickly! i also enjoyed helping out..maybe i'm born to be a housewife cos i enjoyed cleaning jayce's car too. HAHAHAHA
anw i was tired after going to the union and working on my anth paper the whole afternoon, only to return home and work on my history paper after that. I was dying by 12 (it felt like 3am but the clock said otherwise). i think my eyes were dry from staring at the computer screen for so long and it just added to the agony. went down at 1am to scan stuff for the paper and the comp labs were still filled with people. In the end, the editting didn't seem too bad and I managed to send a 2nd draft of my history paper to the prof last night! WOOHOO i'm so thankful that i actually managed to finish editting 2 papers in one night even after spending time at the loft. this must be another of those divine moments when productivity just seems to increase for no reason and time seems to crawl by slowly. i love it.
had many nice breaks ytd, like talking to nick again online (he was supposed to have a presentation in school), talking to terence at 1.45am, talking rubbish with yongji for half an hour (????!!!!!) stuff i haven't done in a while. oh yeah and talking to shannon too :)
i was just thinking abt the way i work. i try to avoid procrastinating till the last minute so i'd spread out my work over many days and pre-empt last minute interferences, so it's been a rather consistent pace and level of stress (although it's constantly increasing at a gradual level). maybe that's why I don't improve as much when I do intervals. I just find it hard to push myself all the way like the other girls do, cos I'd want to spread out my energy to make sure I don't die halfway. the other girls just sprint all the way and keep pushing although they're dying, so people like mare who have been in chinese orchestra all her life end up outrunning me (EEEEEEE). I know I'd improve that way, but I can't bring myself to that point. when it comes to studies too, I'm always amazed when people pull continuous all-nighters to finish work and take on 23hours a sem. amazed at weilynn too. I cldn't possibly function under that kind of pressure (i think) i'd just freak out even more. or snap and start laughing to myself. hahaha. to conclude this paragraph of rambles, i think i'm very cautious..i don't like the idea of committing to sth without being sure that I can fulfill it. but then again, it's sth i started doing this past semester and life's been ok so far, so i'd like to believe that I just have to keep working hard and trusting God and things will turn out all right in the end.
Perhaps I'm just too comfortable and I should start challenging myself and getting out of my comfort zone in different aspects of my life.
but then again, challenging myself feels like a thing of the past. it seems like a distant memory when I used to feel like I had to prove myself to pple (and to myself). now i still do a little, but instead of trying to excel, i just feel like i'm trying to meet the minimum requirement.
this is random and unrelated, but it's interesting how people who know me alot more do not accept that I still have room for change and growth. like is it bad eating more veggies and less meat than i used to, and does the fact that i'm quiet and withdrawn mean that I can't morph to fit different social and organizational responsibilities I've been given? lol. but it's ok..I know I need to be more open-minded too. :P
kat sang her heart out at 3:49 AM
Saturday, May 02, 2009
it's getting crazier by the day, but somehow work still keeps piling up..it's never over, and tt made the week slightly difficult, although not as bad as the last..we'll all make it eventually!!
woke up this morning without the usual 'friday i'm in love' song playing in my head, maybe because my happiness level wasn't that high so the song didn't come automatically..didn't feel like there was much to celebrate anw, but jayce's reply raised it anw. hahaha.
and i'd like to write this post especially for my batch pples. I'd been browsing thru the snr batch photos and imagining what it'd be like when our turn came..would we have as many fond memories and photographs? we didn't even have that many grp photos, and there was almost nothing that we had in common, except maybe FUBAR. the greatest turnout wld only be during someone's birthday, which made me kinda moody. i cld blame this on our geographic isolation, but it didn't seem to stop terence's batch anw.
however today, or just now, just made my friday :) dee had been so willing to spend time with me in coming up with an idea for a gift, and she'd gone with me to shop for items. i'd intended to have an all girl's art and craft friday to get it done, which we did have, and allan nick and jonyong came along too, and it was wonderful cos it was like the closest we ever had to a batch gathering!! it was so fun working with everyone and seeing different dynamics... nick and huiqing were engines that were constantly running, allan was the genius who revolutionized hole-punching forever (that was really smart..i was so impressed), clarissa was the industrial engineer who was finding ways to make processes more efficient, while I was supposed to be the I/O psychologist who tried to make conditions favourable for high job performance and motivation...i didn't do much cos i forgot most of my stuff :P it was so fun laughing with everyone..felt like such a wonderful start to more bonding, even if it's 2 sems late. hopefully when we're all a kampong things will be much better :)
it was seriously amazing..we accomplished so many things in one night..and it was just humbling and gratifying to have people so willing to help out with such mundane tasks.
perhaps the greatest thing to accomplish next wld be to make sai kang fun.
ahhhh i'm so grateful to all you pples...not forgetting my other sisters jl ml sharon + jayce who dropped by halfway.
can't wait to work more with you guys..and thanks for letting me know indirectly that I can always count on you for help (don't worry i'll spread the SG:P)
cheers to a new beginning and to strengthened friendships :) kat sang her heart out at 3:14 PM