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Sunday, December 06, 2009

it's been a while, and i realized that i blog mostly when I have strong feelings for something. maybe it'll be a nice change to just take a snapshot of life now as it is..

had a really good small group bible study ytd.. i think the passage itself was meaningful..it was the last chapter of John (and the last bible study of the semester too!) where Jesus appeared to the disciples for the 3rd time, and alot of things transpired between Him and Peter. We showed up in full force, many great questions were asked, and many insightful reflections and answers were given in response to the passage, so i was really glad for that. i also had the chance to share some of the problems i'd had recently, shattering the 'holier-than-thou' image i have. it's sth i'm happy about though..i'm happy for anything that will bring me closer to my group and make me more accessible as an SGL, and it wldn't help if i always seem so holy/perfect/strong/whatever. seriously haha i have alot of problems too.

personally, i gained alot from the passage.. the 3 times that Jesus reinstated Peter for each time he fell as a follower was encouraging (altho it was old insight). however, i saw it a different way when i was preparing for the passage. you can see it as a command to feed the sheep/shepherd if you love Jesus, but for myself, the order of the questions popped out at me. it was very relevant to my situation, reminding me that it is not so much the work of feeding the sheep that matters, but loving Him first. Feeding the sheep flows from loving God, not the other way, and it's sth tt i've had to learn the hard way recently..

more about focusing on God more than anything else when Jesus asks if Peter loves Him more than these, like if Peter loves Him more than the miracles and signs that He performs..

i also loved how an earlier passage of peter's calling is echoed in this passage. it was an identical situation, with Jesus calling out to Peter to follow Him. This passage is kinda like a deja vu, but the difference is that Peter has come a full circle from where he first started. with all that he knew and understood of Jesus, he put his faith in Him anyway and made a choice to follow him. Throughout Jesus' ministry, he learnt how to be a disciple, and he failed in the 3 times he denied Christ, which must have been one of the darkest times for him. imagine his disappointment and shame..despite this, Jesus restored Him and reinstated Him with the same call to follow Him. Peter's replies and his declarations of love are more careful and weighted..they mean so much more after the painful lessons he has learned. I love how he started off not really knowing what the implications of following JC was, but with all his experiences, he had a much fuller picture of what it meant and he was able to say a resounding 'yes Lord' with conviction..

thank you lord for this passage.

anyway, my story is that small group leading had filled my thoughts most of this semester. For a long time I kept thinking about SG, what to do for SG, how to make things better, how to help people grow etc. The last part was especially true, ever since i had a hint that i might be gifted in shepherding, and i guess i just felt responsible for the small group members - i just really wanted to see them grow. i'd keep thinking of everything i could do in my power to help them..Things were good at first, because i'd see positive things happen each week and that was encouraging...and then little things began to get at me, perhaps the frequency of which increased due to the increasing stress as well, but i began to feel discouraged, and then i just felt alone in my position, and misunderstood. i got frustrated that nothing was happening, and basically that i didn't see what i wanted to see in the small group.. it got so bad that i just spent intense time alone with God, and He answered some of my petty prayers, meeting my superficial emotional needs by sending friends along the way with encouragement and verses. it felt good for a while.

and then i read this book tt erika lent me on prayer, and i had so much new insight on it. it said that prayer was not the activity that preceded the real work, but that prayer itself was the work we had to do, that prayer was that which unleashed power for things to happen..had other insight on it as well, so anyway i prayed a much deeper prayer with greater understanding after that, and tried to seek His voice and to have my spiritual blindness lifted from me. the next day, i just thought of reading the Bible cos i thought that that's the most obvious place to gain access to His word and guidance. I didn't know where to start, but for some reason the book of Hosea popped up in my head. I didn't know anything else about it other than tt Hosea was commanded by God to marry a prostitute, so i made myself read it and digest every bit of it slowly, somehow thinking that there was something between the words that I was supposed to get eventually.

and then after staring at the verses at the foyer of the psych building in between classes, the verses made sense to me, and i realized that the reason why i felt like nothing was working in SG, the reason why i felt so alone and misunderstood, was because I'd basically prostituted my heart, and made a god out of small group. my actions became so clear to me all of a sudden. it wasn't a particularly emotional moment - it was more calm and rational than i'd expected - but it made sense to me on hindsight.. i guess the hole in my heart that i've always wanted to fill, the thing that would give me fulfillment was to know what i was meant to do and be. i'd get lost and purposeless when i realize that i'm not 'natural' at something, and so i'd try to find sth else that i'm meant to do. i guess i felt really happy being an SGL cos i felt like i had a role/purpose, something to contribute to, and it was nice just knowing who I was and who I could be...and then i just forgot about God and focused my attention on feeding this thing that made me feel happy and satisfied. no wonder He frustrated my efforts, and i'm thankful for that..

it's soooo subtle and i never would have been able to discern the thoughts of my own fleshly sinful prideful heart! i'm thankful to Him for revealing this truth to me, although it hurt for a while. nv thought i'd be capable of this, so it was kinda scary thinking about the depth of sin that i'm unaware of.

so now...with greater understanding of how i've fallen and presented with a choice to do things differently, i'm really trying to work on that relationship with Him above all other things, even the 'work' He calls us to do. I hope my prayer will always be that I can learn something new about Him from everything that happens, that I can see where He is working and join in, and from that understand who He is even more.

Hosea ended on a hopeful note, because although Israel had prostituted herself several times as well, i rmb God saying how He would frustrate her efforts and wall her in until she had nowhere else to turn to but Him, and then she would be restored and glorified, and the things that once tempted her would tempt her no more, and she would be free to love God fully.

freedom.. that idea from philo class. i love that class. it helps me learn so much about the world and God too.

i wonder what the next semester will bring..anyway, now it's just mugging and more mugging for the last week of finals, and 1 month of winter break :)

kat sang her heart out at 7:58 AM

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

-Addison Road

what will it take to hear His voice clearer, and have this spiritual blindness lifted from my eyes?

kat sang her heart out at 1:39 PM

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

How will you ask questions if your ideas of God and Jesus remain the same? You'll just be restricted with your current understanding of who they are, if you have any idea at all besides your ambiguous foggy picture constructed by impressions and the words of others. Are any of these impressions truly your own? Do you know anything about God? You can try to reach Him on your own, and it is possible to see little flashes of God in the wonders of creation, in the self-evidence of logic and knowledge, but amidst the endless mess of speculation and what-ifs, how can you ever know anything about God by your own frail attempts to question the meaning of life before you sleep? Only God can make that connection, and He did it when the word became Flesh. Not only did He reveal Himself through His word in the Bible, He even lived and walked among us so that we can truly relate to this God who loves us. His word is a treasure trove of wisdom, and it brings hope to the brokenhearted.

I want to help you discover who God is. I want to help you have a real experience of Him. I don't want to come from a position of superiority - I want to come as an equal who was fortunate enough to have found God slightly earlier. I want to help create opportunities for you to stumble upon nuggets of gold in God's word, so that after sampling of His goodness, you will crave for Him like never before.

I know you are searching for something more. In your thought experiments, you know what you can try to do to quench your thirst, but you somehow sense that those can't satisfy you. I am amazed by the clarity you have about the state of your life, and I know that God is working in your life, drawing you to Himself in those moments when your eyes are open, your mind is clear, and you catch brief glimpses of life beyond the usual routine of busyness. You may not know this, but these moments are the most precious and the most crucial ones you can ever have at this point! Don't allow yourself to drown out the deafening silence and emptiness by slipping back to the busyness of the world and by allowing yourself to be swept along with it! This is how your life has always been and still is. You can choose to live with the status quo, but I have experienced something so much better, and I don't want to see you estranged from God anymore. You have had a breath of fresh air, seek to get more!

So you'll ask me questions if you have any? My heart screams against it and I see it as a thinly veiled rejection. However, my mind places a bit in my mouth and restrains me, and I fear forcing these things down your throat because I don't want to scare you. Perhaps I've been found wanting in the skill of subtlety, but it does not change my situation. I'm left with a chasm of communication separating us, and I look at you in silence, my mind swirling with these thoughts that remain unspoken.

I see your spirit reaching for something more, but there is a web of lies holding you back despite your frail attempts to strive forward. You are still in Satan's grasp, and you don't know it, but you are struggling against it. I see God reaching out His finger for you to hold. He has always been there, and He has done everything possible for you to come to Him. We are in the middle of spiritual warfare, and currently ongoing is a magnificent battle between God and Satan for your spirit - one seeks to destroy, and the other seeks to love. But wait - the victory has long been won, and this is merely a stubborn battle put up by the loser of this war. You belong with God; you are worth so much to Him.

Please let me help you.

And Lord, please help me be faithful, even if I don't perceive things the way you do.

It will be such a miracle if you actually end up reading these random ramblings.

kat sang her heart out at 2:47 AM

Monday, November 16, 2009

No one told me the right way, the right way to go about this
So I'll figure it out for myself
Cause how much is too much to give you
Well, I may never know so I'll just give until there's nothing else

Yeah, I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give

No one told me how bad I need you (I need you)
But I somehow arrived at that conclusion all by myself (all by myself)
And I want all you have to offer (to offer)
So I'll offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing else

Yeah, I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left
Yeah, I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left

Sometimes it seems like all I ever do
Is ask for things until I ask too much of you
But that's not the way (that's not the way)
I wanna live (I wanna live)
I need to change (I need to change)
Yeah something's gotta give
Yeah something's gotta...

Give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left
I'll give give give until there's nothing else
Give my all until it all runs out
Give give, give until there's nothing left
I'll give

-Reliant K

kat sang her heart out at 2:26 AM

had something like a matrix moment yesterday..like when neo chooses the pill (can't rmb which one it is) in order to obtain the truth, and he goes through this vortal thing and he emerges from his watery bed in this real world, and realizes that he had been plugged into a machine controlling his thoughts and reality from birth. He realizes that it was all fake, that the real world lay beneath all of that..and that it was a harsh cruel reality indeed.

for some reason i just woke up and thought about how i was spending my time. perhaps it was because I slept abnormally early for a typical college student on a friday night and slept 8 hours (but i was really tired anyway) and i'd missed out on social activities like hanging out w the people who came over to johnny's room or something and felt like i was being antisocial. anw, i was thinking about my time, and realized that everything felt forced. i'm not sure if this is the word for it. i spend half my time in school/doing homework, and the rest of the time is given to church, small group, large group, bible prep, quiet time, occasional (dwindling) exercise, eating, the occasional chat, and the rest of the time is spent right here on my comp facebooking and checking emails. felt like i didn't really have real friendships either - i felt as if i had an agenda in every one of them. and i didn't exactly have a social life. and nothing meaningful/purposeful that i'm creating with my time. it felt kind of empty. it felt like i'd forgotten how to live, felt like i wasn't exactly 'living a life'.

and then i realized that i had already chosen to live my life around things of God. it seems that way, since my days start with Him, I think about Him when stuff in class supports the Bible, I get frustrated with myself when I find myself slipping into sin, I read stuff about Him in other books, there's small group and other things. I realized that, if not for these things that filled my mind every day, my life would have been even emptier.

it feels like the work and other things we busy ourselves with reflects the fake reality in Neo's mind. This work and busyness distracts us from the real life, from asking the really important questions. Perhaps we all have a certain sense of this emptiness from time to time like when we're in bed before we sleep, but then we realize that we have the routine of life and a pile of work waiting for us, and we are actually comforted to be able to fill that emptiness with them. And we're too busy to take a good look at whether the work actually fills the emptiness completely. or perhaps we just kinda hide the idea of the emptiness by filling our minds with all that work.

hate it when i have these thoughts, when I have a matrix moment and realize that life is pretty empty, but i end up feeling grateful that i have chosen to invest my life in what's real and eternally significant. maybe people who kill themselves realize that there is this emptiness and do not know how to fill it, and it overwhelms them. nonetheless, sometimes i wish everyone had a matrix moment too, that there is so much more to life. it feels like Neo taking that gasp of real air (although not as fresh as he would have liked it) after being plugged to the machine of busyness and taking a look at his life.

maybe the view that life is empty if not for the hope from God is kind of pessimistic. my views tend to change with my mood i guess. on some days life feels FULL and i'm overflowing with life, other times i'm aware of how empty life on earth is and i feel forced to take a good sober look at what i'm doing.

i wonder how empty i would feel if i didn't have God during these moments. Considering that i ruminate so much, i might just enter into depression or something lol.

but anyway, friendships. how many genuine ones do i have? i'm afraid to see that I might have come from a position of 'higher spirituality' (whatever that means) and felt more of an obligation to help people out of duty than real love and care, as if i have friends only because of God. it's a weird way of putting it, but i don't know any other way. to put it simply, after all that i've done and with all the people i've met, sometimes i enter into this mood when I can't think of an sms buddy - someone i can just text any time of the day about any random thing that happens and get a response from. i haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what i'm looking for, but this is what i think of sometimes.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just kinda faded into the background and disappeared. maybe there was nothing real to begin with.

is this what charity is/feels like? maybe i shld start reading CS Lewis' book on the four loves.

i must be blind tho..because i have a bad habit of taking the love that people give me for granted. i don't expect to receive anything, so it warms my heart whenever people do sth unexpected for me. i shall take some time to thank them..

also kind of afraid that i'm becoming too wrapped up in my world and too disconnected from this reality. doing too many christian things and not hanging out with other people. and when i actually do, i feel like i have motives. i don't want to forget how to be a normal person.

bah i hate hormones.

kat sang her heart out at 1:04 AM

Friday, November 13, 2009

a sobering reminder
that I am but a channel, an instrument
that I do not have control over many things, even if I do deceive myself into thinking so sometimes
including the wills and hearts of people, which only God can touch
that in a position where pride is a greater possibility, I must put in twice the effort to humble myself
to make myself smaller, and make Him bigger

despite this, i'm thankful for the reminder, because I don't want to look in the mirror one morning
to discover a hidden monster lurking in the depths of my heart

sigh.

now i just need alot of strength and hope to conquer a seemingly insurmountable mountain of papers. i tried to seek encouragement from others but i knew that I wldn't get the sympathy i wanted because everyone's going through the same thing.

and so I shall make Him my refuge and my strength. I will remember the times when He lifted me up when I couldn't lift a finger to help myself..and I will finish what I have to do.

kat sang her heart out at 12:15 AM

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thank God for beautiful autumn colours. i keep getting awestruck by the gorgeous golden orange hues as i walk home from class. too bad my phone can't capture the colours in their splendour, but i'm happy that my eyes can (and hopefully they will for a long time to come). it's such a nice feeling letting the experience of the beauty sink in :)

Thank God for wonderful friends who love and care, and who believe the best of me.

Thank God for giving meaning to this life and purpose in what I do.

Thank God for giving me this life, when i was at first condemned to die.

Thank God for creation in all its splendour.

Thank God for people.

Thank God for giving us the capacity to love and experience rich emotions.

lol so apparently i'm in a very thankful mood now, but i'm happy to be happy and i'm enjoying it alot :)

i think i might have found a clue to my spiritual gift as well, thanks to a book tt daniel recommended to me. it's interesting..the more i read up on this gift, the more it sounds like me. i hope i'm not having some sort of confirmatory bias, but anyway, i think i might be gifted in shepherding. here's some info from another website i found:

Pastoring/Shepherding

The Greek word "poimen" means pastor. In Paul's spiritual gifts listing in Ephesians 4:11, this term is translated "pastor." Although the word "poimen" is translated pastor only one time in Scripture it is used sixteen additional times. The remaining sixteen are all translated "shepherd." Therefore, we are actually discussing the GIFT of shepherding, not the POSITION of pastor. Though a good pastor must have the gift of shepherding, everyone who has the gift of shepherding is not called to be pastor. The gift can be used in many positions in a church.

As a gifted shepherd, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by overseeing, training, and caring for the needs of a group of Christians. You are usually very patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others. You tend to be a "Jack of All and Master of ONE," meaning you are usually dominant in one of the speaking gifts (evangelist, prophet, teacher, exhorter) as well. You are often authoritative, more a leader than a follower, and expressive, composed, and sensitive. Your pleasing personality draws people to you.

You have a burden to see others learn and grow and are protective of those under your care. You want to present the whole Word of God and do not like to present the same materials more than once. You are willing to study what is necessary to feed your group and are more relationship oriented than task oriented. You are a peace-maker and diplomat - very tolerant of people's weaknesses. You tend to remember people's names and faces. You are more concerned with doing for others than others doing for you. You are faithful and devoted and may become a workaholic. You can become an all-purpose person in order to meet needs.

People with the gift of shepherding make the best Sunday school teachers and group leaders because their desire is to go beyond just teaching or leading, to shepherd and minister to the daily needs of their students. The position of Sunday school teacher or group leader is an extension of the pastoral ministry in the church. These groups should be shepherded on a small scale the same as the pastor shepherds the whole congregation on a large scale.

Be careful to involve other people; don't try to do it all yourself. Work on making people accountable. Do not be overly protective of your "flock." Because of these potentially weak areas, other people may think it is your job to do all the work; they rely too heavily on you. You may be expected to be available at all times, know all the answers, and be at every function. Learn when to say no.

Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He will cause discouragement when the load gets heavy, and pride because your "sheep" look up to you. You may develop family problems because of too little time and attention. You may become selfish when "sheep" feed in other pastures.

HOW CAN YOU USE THIS GIFT? This gift is a great help in many areas. You may serve as a Sunday school teacher, small group leader, pastor or assistant pastor, bus captain, special ministry leader (such as youth, children, men, etc.), nursery worker or as a half-way house or other type shelter volunteer. You may consider serving as a dormitory leader in a college, orphanage, children's home, etc. Scout troops would appreciate your assistance as a den leader.

http://www.churchgrowth.org/giftslist.php#6

whee :) wonder what implications this has for me.

the weather is so beautiful today..shall go for a run outside before it gets cold and miserable.

kat sang her heart out at 1:30 AM

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I feel a sudden need to remind myself about some important things. I reminded myself abt them indirectly this morning while praying, but somehow typing them here makes them more concrete.

it started ytd when i got my psych 475 midterms back. well i didn't expect the prof to be that specific in his questions and i thought i'd studied the book quite well (50 pages a chapter!!) but there were always those few details i skimmed over and forgot. so anyway i barely managed to scrape an A for that, one pt from A-, and i was going 'oh crap' cos i wanted to do well, i wasn't sure how i'd fare for the paper i submitted in class, class participation (i've been like a dead log in class) is 10% and i knew that getting A- for a class wld take away my 4.00 gpa. this is my first advanced psych class so i was alr feeling a bit apprehensive to begin with.

(omg i feel so dumb typing this out now. the lies i let myself believe and priorities that i don't want to have are staring at me in the face ugh)

so i smsed jw and told her about it, and i dunno how our conversation advanced, but it kinda concluded with her agreeing that psych is not my most 'natural subj' (like how CS comes so easily to some pple, and how physics to others etc.) and tt i'd get the hang of it eventually. was thinking about it, and asked her if there was anything i was 'naturally stronger' in...and we both concluded that perhaps i wasn't suited for academia (which reinforced my fears of being clueless abt my direction in life), while jw was suited to be some doctor in mcb and do research and tt kinda stuff. and so i ended up wondering why i came to university in the first place =\

anyway, this morning i kinda prayed about this cos i needed some kind of resolution to this battle in my mind and it was really comforting. i was reminded of how everyone is different, how some people have obvious talent in something, how some are suited for academia, and perhaps uni started out as a place for academics, but today it's just a stepping stone into the working place, so majority of the pple who come here have to put in the hard work to pass out of it. i'm just part of the majority, so i'll just have to put in extra effort, which i'm willing to do.

i'd alw been interested to find out what my giftings were so that i could study sth or do sth that would maximize my fullest potential, whatever that is, so that i can find a clearer direction in life and do something great around me. psych came by process of elimination after 2 years of jc science.

so anw, i was reminded again of how microscopic my view was. i rmb learning, after much reflection during the advanced course, that God has allocated many talents to me. I'd alw read the parable of the talents and i'd alw felt a need to find out what i was good at and invest in it. Never wld i have thought that i could be like the first person who was given 10. i reminded myself again of how i had an obligation to use those talents in service of others..

so i want to tell myself again that i may not be clearly gifted in a specialized area, but i do believe that I've been given alot by God and i want to just continue loving people to the best of my abilities however I can with whatever little I have. perhaps in the process i'll discover talents i never knew i had, and perhaps God will use them for something great. i'll give this psych problem to Him - maybe the struggle with it will build character in me, and i have a feeling that in the end, i'll look back and realize that studying psych came in handy after all.

and ugh i don't want to be like i once was..i don't want grades to matter so much that i start freaking out like i did in jc. tt's disgusting. there are more important things than a 4.00gpa and i'd like to believe that i can still do well without it.

and so for now, i'll just have to open my eyes and be aware of whoever God may be bringing into my life. lol.

kat sang her heart out at 3:17 AM

childlike wonder